he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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