she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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