I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
