this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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