the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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