Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
