i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
