I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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