I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Randomize
