I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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