I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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