What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
