the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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