If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
