just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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