I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
