I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
