hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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