That's intense
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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