Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize