i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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