My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
