If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
you made out with another girl for some wings
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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