i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
This house was built for laser tag.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
