remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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