So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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