I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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