It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
