I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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