Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
