WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
