He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
