i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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