Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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