he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
