Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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