I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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