Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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