Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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