All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
