My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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