Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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