We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
