I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize