i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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