so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
