So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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