I think my vagina is haunted
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
