Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I could make wine with my vomit
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
