I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
