well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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