I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
