i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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